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Talking and can’t shut up!


Help! I’m talking and I can’t shut up!  By Robert (Bob) Plumb

Monday morning during assignment meeting, reporter, Sue Problemo, began talking non-stop.  All day she carried on and then after that she talked for another 48 hours taking barely taking a breath.  Sue has been diagnosed with chronic motor mouth, a debilitating condition that inhibits a person’s ability to shut up.  It has sometimes erroneously called diarrhea of the mouth, and is frequently confused with another talking condition known as what-was-she-thinking?, where the patient begins talking before the brain is completely engaged.  Tragically, Sue Problemo suffers from both of these conditions.

This past week, after three days of uninterrupted talking, at 8:00 P.M. on Thursday, Dr. Ben Goode, with the help of other bystanders, was able to stop the hemorrhaging by successful inserting a shoe into her mouth.

Sadly, by that time, a great deal of damage was already done.  “It may take years to clean up the wreckage from an attack like this,” lamented Dr. Goode.

“I’m not sure the damage can ever be undone,” added a morose Mildred Flummox.

Lois Lein, Stu Carne, Don Key, Teri Dactyl, Mae B. Knott, and many others were told exactly what Sue thinks about them.  John Dace, Jerry Atrix, Tom Morrow, Sally Ladd, Ann Emic, and many others had all their flaws exposed and then described in graphic detail.  And Sal Leery, Ann Emic, Red Undant, and Beau Gurr were exposed to vicious, vitriolic, unprotected gossip for over thirty-six hours.  According to medical personnel at the scene, it could be many weeks before the shoe can safely be removed from her mouth.

Friends and family are invited to a vigil all day Friday.  In lieu of flowers, the family has asked that you send money.