Practical uses for dead flies

Dead flies got ya down?

Practical uses for your dead flies, by Sue Problemo


The Sleepy River alternative city council, which meets at The Junction Café most mornings, considered the problem of what to do with the abundance of fly carcasses.  “This has been the worst year for flies I can remember,” observed councilperson, Wilford Goode.  “Those dead flies can really pile up on your floor and in the window sills.”

According to spokesperson, Andy Frieze, the council is concentrating on coming up with some uses for them because, “If we can create some demand for them, according to economic principles, increased demand drives up prices and creates shortages.

If there’s anything we need, it’s a shortage of flies.”


The following are some proposed uses for your dead flies: (We admit, some are a bit of a stretch.)


  1. Fish food
  2. Chicken food
  3. Zombie makeup
  4. Zombie tooth paste
  5. Caulking
  6. Commercial toad feed
  7. Toe jam substitute
  8. Ice cream topping
  9. Sandwich spread
  10. Raisin extender
  11. Ear plugs
  12. Medical vomit inducer
  13. Shoe polish, black or red, depending upon how long the flies have been dead.
  14. Commercial lizard feed
  15. House plant fertilizer
  16. Ammunition for your straw or pea shooter
  17. Dark still life photographic art
  18. Thickener (Dark gravies only please)
  19. Packing material replacing expensive Styrofoam peanuts
  20. Jr. High school spit wad substitute.
  21. Add protein to the healthy shakes of people you don’t like.
  22. Use as a pizza topping; substitute for nasty anchovies
  23. Fake dead flies…they would seem so realistic that no one would believe they are not real!